Girl Not Certain What to Do After Ex Cheats on Her, Then Places Her Down as a Reference

The OP (a.okay.a “authentic poster”) shared her story to Reddit’s Relationship Recommendation discussion board, saying that she acquired a name from the state police division asking about doubtlessly interviewing her about her ex-boyfriend’s “character,” as he had put her down as a reference.

The girl mentioned her relationship with the cop ended after he cheated on her with a girl he was “actively coaching,” and requested Redditors if she ought to reveal the reality to the division or ignore it and transfer on.

Learn on to see what went down and the way Redditors reacted.

OP defined the state of affairs, saying she’s a 27-year-old, who “received a name from state police calling me to be reference” for her ex-boyfriend, additionally 27, “who cheated on me with an officer he was coaching.”

“Do I silently give no reference by by no means permitting them to get involved with me or do I inform them the reality?” she requested.

The girl defined that she had been associates with the person for six years, together with two years by which they have been housemates, earlier than they then dated for a yr in a half. She mentioned he was a cop in a “smaller ‘metropolis’ division” on the time.

She added that her relationship with the person “ended as a result of I discovered messages of him pursuing a girl who he was actively coaching 1-1 to doubtlessly be aside of their police division (he additionally had say on if she was certified sufficient to enter the dept- so a place of some superiority).”

OP additionally claimed that she discovered textual content messages he despatched to associates, by which they referred to as her “slurs,” though they didn’t have “any energetic pressure within the relationship.”

“It’s my hypothesis that this may occasionally have been to set himself as much as not look as outwardly just like the ‘dangerous man’ as I used to be fully blind sided by this, contemplating we had a really lengthy standing relationship with out a lot resistance all through its entirety – so I couldn’t even start to justify it as frustration or emotionally charged phrases towards me,” she wrote.

OP mentioned her ex “will need to have just lately utilized for a state police place and put me down as a former girlfriend, for which the dept simply referred to as me yesterday to interview me on his character.”

“Regardless of him not having probably the most outrageous purple flags like every type of bodily abuse, he was at a serious lack of integrity all through the whole lot of the connection, and displayed a variety of manipulation ways even following precise proof of his relations with this lady,” she added, earlier than proposing her query to the discussion board.

“1- do I observe up this name with telling them we broke up because of him having relations with an officer he was coaching?” she requested. “And a pair of- how a lot does this affect his means to get the job? Lastly 3- what affect wouldn’t it have if I simply by no means reply?(which is what I’m presently leaning in the direction of).”

“I haven’t got a vengeance out for this man, it has been nicely over 1.5 years for the reason that incident and so I’m very emotionally eliminated, however I additionally don’t wish to have him suppose I’d shield him or his popularity ever, as I by no means even received a mere apology for all of those happenings,” OP wrote. “What’s everyone’s thought?”

The vast majority of Redditors appeared to induce OP to reply to the police division’s inquiry, and inform them about her ex-boyfriend’s relationship with the girl he was coaching.

“Dude…inform them. Now we have sufficient sh–ty cops on the market. You’ve gotten the ability to forestall one other,” a person wrote in a well-liked remark, to which one other replied, “This is sort of a Smoky the bear service announcement: ‘Solely you possibly can stop s–ty cops’ 🐻🫵🏾😂.”

“If it have been me I’d allow them to know that he had a romantic relationship with somebody he was coaching. Ideally individuals like that should not be cops,” one other Redditor steered.

OP went on to share extra particulars in a sequence of replies to Redditors, saying that her ex-boyfriend remains to be in a relationship with the girl he cheated on her with and educated.

“Former PO and coach right here. Completely report his romantic relationship along with his trainee. That could be a large integrity problem. Who is aware of what he might do sooner or later if given entry to extra feminine recruits. Did his previous job ever discover out?” a person requested, including, “Sorry you went via that, OP.”

The girl replied, giving extra data on her ex and his relationship — a minimum of relating to what she is aware of.

“So it is fascinating as a result of as quickly as I discovered about it I reduce all ties, so I’m unaware of the precise dynamics to observe. What I’m conscious of (per different officers girlfriends from the identical division) is that they’re totally in a romantic relationship now at present,” she wrote. “So, contemplating they each work for a similar division and are brazenly in a relationship, I assume that this earlier job undoubtedly is aware of however I’m not certain anyone is aware of any particular particulars. 🤷🏼‍♀️.”

The Redditor responded, telling OP that her ex’s relationship along with his trainee “may have been hush hush at first or the individuals in cost do not care until somebody recordsdata serial harassment grievance or sues.”

“It’s nonetheless an enormous deal. Completely report it,” the person added, earlier than suggesting that OP “attempt to be as impartial about giving the information and do not put any spin on it. Current what proof you’ve in regards to the affair whereas the rookie was in coaching and go away it at that.”

“Once more, sorry your ex was a d–khead,” they added.

One other person shared the same sentiment, telling OP that she must “inform them the reality in an unemotional state.”

“Write down what he did, i.e.: 1. Whereas ready of energy, he had an affair along with his trainee. 2. His phrase decided if the trainee acquired the job. 3. You discovered messages to his associates slandering you. 4. He tried gaslighting you, mendacity, manipulating the occasions after you found the affair and slandering.”

“You may’t in all good acutely aware give him character reference,” the Redditor continued,  including, “Do not cuss, do not exaggerate. Be stone chilly, straight ahead together with your phrases and tone. I believe he gave you as a reference as a result of he figured you’ll be too afraid to inform the reality.”

OP replied to the commenter, writing, “Your final bit there undoubtedly resonates with me – I had thought-about that as his thought as nicely.”

In the meantime, one other Redditor expressed a considerably completely different tackle the state of affairs.

“All they wish to know is whether or not he hit you, pulled a gun on you or did any unlawful medication whereas in your organization. No LE company goes to care that he referred to as you names and wasn’t a dream boyfriend,” they wrote. “Cops have astronomically excessive divorce charges so it is mainly understood that perhaps they do not make the very best companions. There is a distinction between issues which are unlawful and issues which are simply immoral.”

OP responded, telling the person that she “fully agree[s] with this sentiment.”

“I suppose the factor that differentiates that is that he was dishonest with a girl he was coaching and had say on if she would go necessities to make it into the division or not,” she replied, admitting, “This thought course of is why I used to be additionally simply considering not answering.”

What do you suppose?